Thursday, 26 April 2012

Back on track, or at least on my way to finding that track

Can't believe I've abandoned this place for a year and a 1/12...

Where do I start...? It's like nothing really happened yet everything's changed. It's like a long sleep in the castle only to be waken by my very self. Not a knight in a shiny armor, not a strike of lightening, not even a sweaty nightmare or a pain in the stomach - but my very own mind. Is that what they call an epiphany? I don't know, what I do know is that I've been settling for things I'm not that passionate about in the name of being a grown-up, while feeling so sick about the very idea of it that I ran away as hastily as I could.

And now here I am, in-between identities, in-between places, in-between relationships, in-between dreams. I wonder is it just me or are we all programmed to have to go through the exact same phase in life?

What I do know is, I've been waiting for what I call a chance - don't even know what for, a change? a shove forward? - for so long, that I tied my hands and knees to the point that I was frozen in time and space, so timid to go anywhere in fear of imperfection, yet so desperate to get the hell out of this daunting current state that I scream constantly in my head "All I want is a chance, anyone? anywhere? anything!"

I feel constantly a thousand words down my throat a million chills on my skin a trillion thoughts in my head a gazillion feelings in my eyes, so overwhelming that I'm stunned and and utterly motionless, on the edge of reaching that tipping point of explosion.

I know this is not right.

And I have to do something about it, come to my own rescue, be my own salvation.

So here I am again, selling all I have on eBay, running away from myself, looking for the new me.

Funny how the journey starts from Yorkshire though, a reality drawback of the stuff I could sell and train tickets I could afford.

I blame it on you, Ebay, but thank you nonetheless.

It feels so good to pack light, and yes I'm not just talking about the suitcase, but my head, too.